Bueller....Bueller...?

Poor Giraffe

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 04:54:21 GMT

Oscar likes to kill his prey, then make sweet love to it.

I will marry Advil.

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 04:47:27 GMT

Dear Christ my head hurts tonight. For the last week I keep getting a headache at around the same time, every night. I swear to God, I've eaten so much freakin' advil in the last week, Im suprised that when I dont have a headache Im not fiending for more advil.

I have my doctors appointment on the 16th, and Im dreading it. I haven't seen her in a while and I know she's going to want to hear about how wonderful I am, and how much I've been getting out, and how lttle my anxiety has affected me. Truth is, lately my anxiety has been horrid. Sometimes I feel fine, and other times it takes everything in me just to drag my ass out of bed in the morning. I hate feeling this way. I get so mad at myself for allowing myself to feel this way. It would be so much easier to blame everyone else for the way that I am, but Im the only one to blame. I keep thinking of my life and how much of it is wasted away, how much Ive missed out on. Im so afraid that Ill be like this for the rest of my life, that I won't be able to pull myself out of this shitty rut Im in. I get scared that I will be alone for the rest of my life because being with me is just too much baggage for someone else to deal with. I've been considering asking my doctor to put me on different meds, or at least boosting up the ones Im on...maybe taht would help. It pisses me off too though because I constantly tell her that I have so much on my chest that just talking about it might help my anxiety dissapate. However, all she seems to want to focus on is my anxiety itself...not the other things that might be contributing to it. Iknow I have severe "daddy" issues, and sometimes I think that if I could bettter learn to deal with all those feelings I could maybe concentrate on bettering myself in other ways. I dont want to stop seeing her though because finding a Dr you can connect with and trust and feel comfortable is so hard..and I really like her. If I had tons of money I would go to a hypnotist and get them to make me forget all this bullshit,so I could live a decent life.

Done feeling sorry for myself now!

bleep bloop

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 05:35:30 GMT

Let me start off by saying that I'm a moron. I broke my webcam tonight. Granted I don't use it much for anything other than snapping pictures but its my webcam regardless and I like it. I knocked my knee into my desk tonight and my webcam came crashing down from the top of monitor and landed in my glass of milk. Now apparently I should have cleaned off as much of the milk as possible and let it dry for a day or two, then plugged it back in and checked it out. However Im a moron and I plugged it in right away...I think I shorted it out. Now I'm pissed off at myself. Anyway, its not the end of the world...but I payed for that stupid thing. Grr at myself.

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a pretty good day. I didn't want to do anything special because Im 24 and birthdays are more depressing than happy now. I just spent a quiet day at home, and my brother came over for dinner and junk. I got some pretty cool gifts though. New clothes! I need new clothes bad, so I was very grateful for what I got. My brother got me the Kill Bill Vol.2 dvd, and that made me extremley happy! The only shitty thing about my birthday besides the fact that Im getting fucking old was that I didnt get to see Jay. He's working nights this week, so Ill have to wait till the weekend to see him. Tonight Lia and Devin (my godson) came over to give me a bday present. They got me a really nice candle thingy, I cant explain it, Ill have to take a picture of it later. I would've been happy without a present from them, just spending time with them is gift enough for me. Devin came into the house with his little mini keyboard thing and played me the song "happy birthday"....well the one little part he knows, and he fucked it up and got upset with himself. It was the cutest thing ever. I love that kid so much. I told him today that his hair isnt his hair, and that when he was born he was completley bald and the doctors told his mom that he would never grow hair, and the only way he could have hair was a transplant. So then Lia shaved her ass and they transplanted her ass hair onto his head. He looked at lia and said "Mommy is that true?" And she looked at him and asked "Dev, what do you think...?" And he replied "Yes, its true" I then told her that I didnt know what was worse, the fact that devin thinks his hair is shaved ass hair, or that he thinks she HAS ass hair. I dont know why he loves me so much, I torment him...it must be the fact that I give him candy. Buy peoples affection with sweet tarts, it works.

Oh and before I forget, heres a part of a conversation I had with Jay. We share entirely too much :

Shannon - It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain says:
how was your shit earlier by the way

Jose Flavio Robeiro says:
it was good

Jose Flavio Robeiro says:
i think i have stretch marks.

Shannon - It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain says:
haha

Shannon - It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain says:
I think asshole stretch marks are hot on you

Shannon - It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain says:
bring out your eyes

Jose Flavio Robeiro says:
i think asshole stretch marks are hot on you

Jose Flavio Robeiro says:
brings out my penis

Shannon - It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain says:
they'll be no putting in or taking out of your penis in my ass

Jose Flavio Robeiro says:
you hate me

It amused me anyway...

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 01:17:19 GMT

Have you ever been so mad that you are trying so hard to not let your tears fall....but at the same time not want to cry at all but just break things. Im there, and I think I should go for a walk...

Picture time!

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 04:33:45 GMT

I almost forgot to put this picture in, what with all my bitching. I was at a garage sale with my friend Tiff when I spotted a horrifying mask of our former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney. Being the good friend that I am, I made her put on the mask!

Stop trying to steal MY SOUL!

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 03:37:41 GMT

I think I may be going slowly insane. My single white female like predicament is starting to make me want to slowly rip my face off. Today, she got home and came down to my room to say hello. I can handle that. But instead of leaving it at hello, she comes into my room and starts looking through papers I have sitting on my desk. Granted they werent important papers, just a couple of things I made for my friend Mark, but regardless....ITS MY STUFF! Then she starts trying to get her dog to jump up on my bed! Usually I dont mind her dog sitting on my bed, but Im lying there quietly with Oscar sleeping on my chest. Why get the dog to jump on the bed, scare the shit out of Oscar and have him claw the hell out of my boobs!? AUGH! Anyway, she left my room to go eat supper and I decided I was going to eat supper later so that I could get a little peace and quiet. Then tonight she followed me around the yard while I was weeding and stuff. Not following and helping, or even talking for that matter...just fucking following me, being silent and watching me. I finally just got fed up, got into the car and went to the store to let myself cool off. I know I should say something, but whats a nice way to say "You are driving me fucking insane and if you dont get out of my face Im going to have to mutilate and kill you"?? Yes, there is no nice way to say that. It's getting to the point where if a friend comes over to see me she thinks that they're here to see her too! Then she follows us around and doesnt say a fucking word! Seriously if you're going to stalk me and try to pretend you are me at least say soemthing...ANYTHING! On the weekend my friend Mitch came over to visit me, it was awesome because I havent seen him in a long time and we spent the whole evening together. Alone. She didn't follow us. Not because she didnt want to, but because she thinks Mitch is hot, so she was shy. As soon as he leaves shes telling me how I should get him to take her out, and how happy his step mother would be if he started dating her. (its a small town, everyone knows everyone...and she thinks everyone just loves her to peices...ahem...anyway) I just kind of laughed off her comments because I know that there would be no way in bloody hell that Mitch would even consider taking her out, let alone try to have some sort of relationship with her. Now here she is making these comments....is there a nice way to say "Maybe you should drop it sweetie, because he thinks you're repulsive" ?? The next day I told him that she thought he was hot shit, and he just kinda smiled and said nothing. I asked him if he'd even consider mercy fucking her.....he laughed at me. I told her that I told Mitch that she thought he was hot, in hopes that she would just be mortified and never want to speak of him ever again...but NO! "What did he say?" I said he laughed. I left it at that.

No one in my house seems to understand why Im going insane! Is it just me taking this all too seriously, or would you be going fucking banana's too!?

gurgle blurb pshh

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 04:10:15 GMT

I feel like I'm going to puke, and it's only because I'm so tired. But I'm so over tired that I couldn't even fall asleep yet. I hate that...brain is awake, body is passed out. Jay is starting overnights tommorow so he came over last night and we stayed up all night and we were "going" to sleep all day. We went to bed at 7am...we did NOT sleep all day. I woke up to go pee and when I came back he was all awake and stuff. Needless to say I was up for the rest of the day. I did get a little bit of rest when he was in the shower, I got under my blankies and played xbox. I watched the movie "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle". That movie cracked my ass up, I laughed the whole way through. Go see! I realise that Im the only person on earth who thought that "White Chicks" was funny, but Harold and Kumar is funny I promise. Anyway I had an awesome night even though I feel like poop now because of it!

I made some more cool stuff tonight, but Im entirely too lazy to take pictures of it..so I will do that tommorow. I plan on boring people with my crafty goodness.

In conclusion, it feels like there are little critters in my head eating my brain....I will defeat them with Advil missles.

1-2-3-GO!

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 00:48:17 GMT

Lookie What Shannon Made!!!

This is the purse itself

This is the lining, its kind of hard to see but it matches the green of the dino

This is the little dinosaur guy

Ohh yes..

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 03:50:23 GMT

I woke up this morning with the most brutal headache. Waking up with a headache sucks cause it stays all freakin day. I ate tons of advil and I feel better now. Tonight I went over to my friend Zack's house for a welcome home party thing. It was so nice to see him, he's my best guy friend and I missed him so much. It was kind of weird though. Most of the people that were there were people I used to hang around with when I was really into drugs. I felt so out of place. I was nice to everyone and everyone was really happy to see me, but I know that inside they were all looking at me thinking "what happened to Shannon...shes not the same.." Whatever, I grew up. Just because I dont get hammered and get high doesnt make me any less of a person. I was having a good time and then the joints started being passed around..I felt so uncomfortable. I have nothing against people who get high, but I just choose not to be around drugs anymore. Just the smell of the weed started bringing back all sorts of feelings and memories and I felt like I was just drowning in the memories of my fucked up past. I politley hugged everyone and said I had to get home. Zack and I are going to get together sometime this week and just catch up alone, which makes me happy. I dont want to sit around and fake that Im having a great time with people who were part of my past for a reason. Bah, anyway. I feel kind of sad too tho, I used to have so much fun and now I suck. It was equally as depressing seeing all of my old friends hanging out and laughing and knowing that tommorow we're all going to go back to our normal lives without each other. As much as I like having most of those people out of my life, I cant help but miss the fun times I had with them...well the fun times I remember....I was such a fucking burnout. Im paying for it today.

I talked to my friend Lyann tonight and we're going out on friday night. Just me and her. That put me in a good mood...I need to get out....get a life....have a life. Start enjoying being me, not wishing id fall asleep and not wake up

Boo..ooo...oored

Sat, 07 Aug 2004 00:12:21 GMT

I stole this from some journal, I'm bored.

Five things that scare you:
1. Junebugs
2. Moths
3. Failing
4. Falling backwards out of a rocking chair
5. Being alone

Five things that make you laugh:
1. Kevin (my brother)
2. Ralph Wiggum
3. Oscar (my cat)
4. Conversations I have with my friends
5. Sealab 2021

Five things you love:
1. My family
2. The colour pink
3. My friends
4. Toast and Peanut butter
5. Giraffes

Five things you hate:
1. My dad's physchotic girlfriend
2. The fact that my roomate wants to be me. (seen Single White Female? Ohh, its getting there...)
3. PeEpS WhO TyPE AnD TalK LyK DiS
4. Migraines
5. Macaroni

Five things you don't understand:
1. Why people stress themselves out over trivial shit
2. Why most girls act like silly bitches
3. Why I spell it "colour" and Americans spell it "color"
4. George Bush
5. Why I have nothing better to do than this questionnaire....

Five things on your desk:
1. A cd tower
2. My giraffe mug, which houses my pens and pencils
3. A picture of my godson Devin, and a picture of Susie's Emma
4. A bottle of Aloe Vera Green Jelly stuff
5. A powerpuff girl figurine

Right now you are:
1. Headachey
2. Bored
3. Annoyed with a certain person in my house *read above*
4. Feeling creative
5. Plotting how Im going to succesfully take over the world

Five facts about you:
1. I'm in love with love
2. I love eating stale cheesies
3. I have a low tolerance for stupidity
4. I can be very shy and it makes me come off looking like a snob
5. I did entirely too many different drugs in my teenage years

Five things you can do:
1. Stick my legs behind my head
2. Talk with my mouth closed
3. Crack almost every bone in my body
4. Almost instantly remember all the words to a song the first time I hear it
5. Trip over my own feet and other objects that arent really there

Five Things You Can't Do:
1. Water Ski
2. Make a decision and stick to it
3. Be nice to people who are assholes
4. Break a promise
5. Eat Lima Beans

Five People You Want To Meet:
1. Rose McGowan, because I want to have her babies
2. Conan O'Brien
3. My half brother who Ive never met and just found out about 3 years ago.
4. Marilyn Monroe...if she were still alive.
5. Steve Buschemi

Top 5 things that turn you on about your sex of choice:
1. Tatoos
2. Individual style
3. Sence of humour
4. Intelligence
5. Their eyes

Top 5 movies you watch all the time:
1. The Heathers
2. Fubar
3. The Goonies
4. Monster
5. Animal House

Top 5 things you say the most:
1. Super
2. Okay then...
3. Why do you feel the need to hate
4. K, I love you buh bye
5. Give'r

To send or not to send....

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 07:25:12 GMT

Dad

I know you told me never to write to you again. If you remember me at all, you know that I don’t usually do what I’m told. I’m stubborn and I know that I get that from you. I’m not writing to you pleading for some form of an apology, I don’t believe I did anything I should be sorry for. I’m not writing to you to remind you of the pain I keep inside, or the torment my heart endures every morning when I wake up knowing that you want absolutely nothing to do with me.

I just have a question. I don’t really expect an answer. I don’t even know if you are still reading this, but I’m just going to be optimistic and imagine that you are. All I really need to know is if you love me. I don’t expect you to say yes. I don’t want you to think that I’m begging for some form of a father daughter relationship, I just want to know. I’m turning 24 this month. I’m not a child anymore. I am trying to move on with my life as an adult despite a lot of obstacles that I face each morning when I wake up. It’s hard to wake up and know you’re disliked. It’s even harder to feel unloved, by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I’ve been told on many occasions that I shouldn’t let these thoughts take over my mind. I should just move on, and not wonder about things I can’t possibly figure out on my own. I can’t accept that. I need to know.

When I saw you at Sauvé’s last summer, I wanted to leave the store without you seeing me. I wanted to look at you and be angry for you not wanting me to be part of your life. I wanted to look at you and feel nothing but contempt, and remorse. I couldn’t do it. When I looked at you I felt like I was a little girl again. I just wanted to cry. You looked different. You looked older, and tired. You hugged me, and you told me you missed me. Maybe you don’t remember that, or you choose not to remember it. But I swear on my grandma Anna’s grave that you said it. It made me cry. I didn’t know whether I was happy or angry. If you missed me, why hadn’t you told me before then. Its been 3 years. 3 years ago, on my birthday you sent me and Kevin the letter telling us you never wanted to see us again, and that you didn’t want to be our father. I still have that letter. That letter broke my heart.

Despite the answer to my question. I love you. I will always love you, you brought me and Kevin into this world. If there is anything you should be proud of in life, that’s up there with your greatest accomplishments. You have no idea what a son you have. He is an amazing person. He’s turned into a wonderful man. We are both college educated. Kevin graduated from Police Foundations with Honors, and I passed my graphic design course with no marks under 85%. We really are good people. We aren’t the horrible creatures you’ve conjured in your mind. We are loved and we love back.

I’ll never lose hope in you. Im not a religious person, but I pray for you. I pray that one day you see what you’re missing. I pray that you can find it in your heart to love us. We don’t want you to throw yourself into our lives, we have both accepted that you probably wont ever let that happen, and we have both managed thus far. I understand rejection, your letter stated it clearly. I worry about you, and Im not the only one. People don’t think you are the same man anymore, and I think that that’s tragic, because you were an awesome man. I remember you when I was a kid. We used to have so much fun together. Everyone thought you were hilarious. You used to make everyone laugh so much. We would go fishing, watch movies, go to the races. It was nice, and I miss that. Do you even miss that? I hope a part of you does. I cant imagine that you are heartless. I know you have a heart, because we used to be able to feel it. We used to be able to tell when you looked at us.

Im willing to lie to myself. Im willing to not get a response from you and just think that you do love me. Even if its just a little bit. Ill pretend that you are proud of us, and who we grew up to be. You don’t understand how much I hurt dad. I just want you to love us. I don’t want your money, I don’t want your time. I just want to be able to sleep at night and think to myself that despite everything you still love me. Do you know how much it hurts to not know that if I died you would come to my funeral. Do you know how much it tears me apart that you wont be walking me down the aisle. Do you know how it brings tears to my eyes to know that your grandchildren wont know you, because I don’t even know you anymore?

Anyway, I don’t expect anything from you. Im not a little kid anymore with hopes as high as the sky. There has been too much said and done in the past to pretend nothing has happened. Neither of us can pretend. I don’t want to point fingers. If you want to think that Kevin and I are at fault for things, then that’s fine. Im tired of wasting my breath trying to defend us. I just needed piece of mind. I feel I have a little more now. You can go back to pretending we don’t exist if that’s what makes your life easier. I just needed to let you know that even if you don’t like it, I love you. I will never stop loving you.

Shannon

Im like doctor phil, but with a vagina!

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 04:22:18 GMT

It boggles my mind why my little brothers friends come to me for advice. It's always almost relationship advice or girl advice. Usually its my brothers friend Marc (college buddy) who comes to me for advice. Maybe its because he hasnt known me that long, and we're resonably close in age. Sometimes it feels good to talk to someone who doesnt know you and stuff, less pressure. Anyway tonight its my brothers friend Caleb who needs someone to talk to. Hes talking to me about his relationship and asking advice. It amuses me because he has known me for years and years and has seen me in and out of shitty relationships. Its almost like asking a cat to teach you how to bark. Bah, its easy to give advice. Following your own advice is hard though. I can admit that I do NOT practice what I preach. I have stayed with shitty boyfriends out of the fear of being alone. I have been cheated on and thought that he would change if I gave him another chance. I have been hit and thought that I probably deserved it, it wasn't his fault. Relationships are hard, which is why sometimes Im so grateful that Jay and I dont have the crazy kinds of pressures that people in relationships do. Sometimes just labelling yourself "girlfriend and boyfriend" makes things that much more complicated. I have been seeing Jay for 9 months, and I have yet to refer to him as my boyfriend. I can honestly say that this is the first time that Im with one person for this amount of time and Im not annoyed with him, or ready to gouge his eyes out of his head. Thats progress my babies, thats progress!

Cause SOME people say Im ugly and I have dreadlocks!

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 08:15:24 GMT

no dreads there fucker!!!

Look at my dreads mommy!!!

dread me up biiiiitch

Peeectorz

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 04:59:06 GMT

I dont know why I feel like posting a picture, but I will cause Susie did and I wanna be like susie!!!

porkchop sandwhiches!

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 20:47:15 GMT

I've been so busy but I figured now that I have some time I should update. On Saturday I had to go to some family get together, which are always loads of fun (please note the sarcasm). My aunt and uncle and their three kids were down from Toronto, and whenever they are down we all get together. It was actually a lot better than I anticipated, but after a few hours of being around certain ones of my relatives I was ready to leave. I stayed for the whole thing, and kept a big ole smile on my face the whole damned time. Sunday was more family time, my family from Toronto came down to our place because my uncle wanted to show his kids where he grew up and stuff. More fun...(again note my sarcasm) Yesterday however was great fun! My friend Tiff was down at her dads house visiting, and I went over to see her. We dont get to see each other often and I miss her soo much! We pretty much just acted like a bunch of fools, and laughed. We even took a few silly pictures. It was good times. I might post one of the pictures if I get brave enough, I looked like hell yesterday and was lacking makeup. Then to make my day even better, as soon as I got out of the car when I got home, Jay pulled into my driveway! I totally wasn't expecting him to come over, so that was an awesome suprise. We didn't really do a whole bunch, we watched the movie "The day after tommorow", which was suprisingly good. I didn't wanna watch it because generally those arent the kinds of movies that I like. Jay ended up spending the night which was nice too, because I always sleep so much better when he's beside me. I love spending time with him. It scares me though, because I don't want to get too attached to him. I mean, Im attached to a point, we've been seeing each other for 10 months. Having feelings for the guy is inevitable. Either way, it was a nice night and he was being all affectionate and junk and I loved it. *sigh*

Cleatus....Cleatussss...? spit

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 05:52:25 GMT

I'm watching a really old episode of SnL, and the musical guest is Bette Midler, maybe I'm a total loser but GOD I love that woman! She is ultra talented, and she seems real. She's a curvy woman and doesn't seem the least bit ashamed about it. I guess by todays shallow and biased standards she wouldn't be considered beautiful. I however see all the imperfections, and appreciate them. With the amount of money she has she could easily fix all those little things that deem her unattractive but she doesnt. She seems to embrace those things, that to me is beautiful. Im far too analytical tonight. I may need a kick in the head. Either way she is amazing, and the movie Beaches makes me cry every time I watch it. The End.

I let Oscar run free throughout the house all day today. It was entertaining to watch an 8 week old kitten try to play with a 120 pound dog. Luckily for Oscar, my dog Shadow is a gentle giant and would never do anything to hurt him or anyone else. The stupid dog is so nice I fear someone breaking into my house and the dog just wagging his tail, hoping that the intruder might drop a scrap of human food. I like to hope though that if I was being put in danger by another person my dog might step up and be a man and bite off a chunk of the persons ass.

I went to a little going away party for a kid I used to babysit today. Hes moving to Calgary Alberta for University. A sure sign that Im getting old. He had about 6 of his buddies over, all about 18 years old and I felt like such an old cougar. I tried to not even look at any of them out of fear of jail time. I felt so out of place, I was too old to hang out with the youngin's but too young to enjoy the older people's conversations. Talking about a pressure washer that was purchased on sale doesnt get me all tingly and excited. I did get to eat some juicy watermelon though, so that in itself made the whole thing worthwhile. And the watermelon was seedless so I didnt have to spit out the seeds making myself look like a honky redneck. "How bout them there new folks that moved on down the road Cleatus?? *spit* "

Family For Sale (real cheap)

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 05:18:37 GMT

I've come to the conclusion that no matter how much I wish things were different with my father, they never will be. Why I've hoped for this long that things would be is beyond me. 3 years ago when my dad sent me the letter that ended our relationship I should have just accepted what he said, not questioned it and just moved on. But honestly how does one just move on? 3 years ago on my birthday I got a letter from him in the mail that told me that my brother and I should pretend he's dead and not try to contact him or talk to him ever again. He even immaturley signed the letter "from your ex dad". My father disowned us because we are horrible little devil children who never fully accepted that he cheated on my mother with a woman who quite openly disliked us. My brother and I also had the nerve to not get along 24/7 with each other. For instance, arguing over what movie to watch. We also didn't fully accept the fact that we were never to utter my mothers name in their house, because we all know that us devil children were spawned from Satan HERself. I remember one year on my fathers birthday I made him a cake and brought it over. I was so proud of my cake, I had made it all by myself. I called my fathers girlfriend to tell her not to worry about a cake because I was bringing one. She told me that if my mother had helped me make it, then she didnt want it in her house. I lied, in fact my mother turned the oven on for me. If I would've known then what I know now, I would've had my mother bake the whole thing and urinate in the batter.

For three years I've been all over the map with my feelings towards my father. SO much shit has happened. SO much that I would never be able to type it all out. I've hated him, pined for him, cried for him, prayed for him and tried to not love him. As I've gotten older I've decided that hating him requires too much energy. Why should I invest that much emotion into someone who refuses to love me? I feel sorry for him. He is completley controlled by his obviously insane girlfriend. I dont call her insane out of bitterness, I seriously think there is something wrong with her, as does most of my family. I wish I could blame her for everything, but I cant. If my father were any kind of decent human being he would've told her a long time ago that his children come first, and if she can't accept us, then he can't be with her. Package deal. He is far from a decent human being.

3 days ago, I was at the post office picking up my mail when I ran into my aunt and uncle. My uncle is my fathers brother. I barely speak to my fathers side of the family anymore even though they all live a 5 minute drive from my house. My father has removed himself from his family and did his best to drive a wedge between us and them as much as he could. My uncle and I still talk tho, and he has helped me out a lot throughout the last few years. We all got talking and they obviously brought up my father. I hate talking about my father, because depsite his faults, I still love him. Things were said to me that angered me. Apparently my aunt asked my dads girlfriend for their email address, and she said she would give it to her as long as she didn't give the address to me and my brother. My aunt did not take the email address at all. What the fuck is with that? As long as you dont give it to the kids? Thats the most juvenile thing Ive ever heard in my life. What makes her think we want to talk to her anyway. I cant even begin to describe how much I hate that woman. If she died tommorow I wouldnt shed a tear. The only emotion Id be able to squeeze from my heart is that my father will be lonely. Other than that I wouldnt have a single feeling to spare her. My mom tells me constantly that I shouldnt even give her room in my head, and that I shouldnt waste my time hating someone who doesnt give a damn. I can't help it. My father lives a 7 minute drive from my house. Why cant he just go away. Why cant he move far away, somewhere I dont have to worry that I might run into him?

Tonight my roomate/friend Vicky went out with her father for dinner to celebrate her birthday. He gave her a card, 250.00 dollars and a poem. She was so happy about the money, but I looked at the poem. I quickly scanned down the beautiful writing and saw that the poem ended "daddys little girl forever". I told her that I couldn't read it, and to just take it away. Fuck the money, I would give almost anything to have my father walk up to me and put his arms around me and tell me that Ill be his little girl forever.

long time no write batman

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 06:25:19 GMT

I've been kind of busy lately and just havent found the time to sit down and just write. I have my real journal that I write in, but I've been to lazy to actually pick up a pen. I've had a pretty fun past few days, on Friday morning Jay came over at 9:30 and woke me up by throwing himself on my back. It scared the shit out of me, but not as bad as the last time he did that. I purposley went to sleep thinking to myself "Jay is going to jump on you". Usually I'm cranky in the morning when someone wakes me up violently, but I look at him and I can't be mad. We didn't really do much all day, he was still kinda blah from the previous night of drinking. We mostly just talked and watched tv and played with Oscar. We finally took a nap which was a good thing, cause I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep before he got here. After supper Jay left and I was off to a sex toy party! Susie, I wish you lived closer because that shit was hilarious! I had such an amazing time, it was so much fun. My mother was there too which was hilarious..watching your mom handle the "John Holmes" dildo is priceless. That thing is like 14 inches long and the width of my forearm! Why anyone would want to use something like that is beyond me! Bah well, to each their own I suppose. Im having a party for a bunch of my girlfriends, its going to be a fun time being that my friends are crazier than I am. Last night my ex boyfriend came by for a while. We made shorts. It was pretty funny. Following a sewing pattern isnt as easy as it looks. Don't be fooled, just because the package says "EASY TO MAKE" doesn't mean its true. Anyway, he bought the brightest tackiest yellow material Ive ever seen in my life. But after a lot of trying to figure out the damed pattern we just winged it and tada, the shorts were done. I'd never be seen in public wearing them, but he'll be able to. I dont think anyone would dare make a comment, he's a pretty big intimidating looking guy...I am a short little unintimidating moron. Id get my assed kicked. Then today I went shopping and bought some last minute things for my brothers birthday. We celebrated his birthday tonight, even tho its tommorow. I made him a shirt for his birthday and he was so happy. I wont even bother to describe the shirt because chances are no one will get the joke. It's based on one of our favourite movies "Fubar". Its a canadian movie and its hilarious. When he opened his present and saw the shirt he started laughing so hard he cried. He even put it on to go out tonight. He called it his new "going out shirt". Im really happy that he liked it. Im gonna miss that kid so much...he's moving out on August 15th. He'll only be a 45 minute drive away, but Im still gonna miss talking to him when he gets home from work. I'll even miss the ass kickings I get. Jesus, Im talking about the kid like Im never going to see him again. I guess it just sucks because my brother is one of my best friends, and we have so much fun together. He's one of the only people who can make me laugh just by making a stupid noise.

Anyway, Ive pointlessly rambled for long enough. Im not even gonna re read my thing to see if it makes sence...its 2:22 a.m. and Im just a bad like that! Punctuation and proper sentence structure can eat my ass!

Dum Dum Did-day!

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 04:27:07 GMT

Usually I want to complain, but tonight I just can't. I've had a good few days. On Sunday I went over to Lia's house and stayed there for a few hours. It was nice because we dont spend as much time together as we used to. Its mostly my fault too, for such a long time I let my anxiety control my life and I shut everyone and everything out. Even Devin, my godson (lia's son). Anyway, it was awesome spending time with them and being stupid. Then this really sexy boy came over to see Lia's boyfriend. Eye candy is always an added bonus. Then today my friend Lyann popped by on her super sexy ninja and we spent an hour just talking and junk. After she left I didnt really do much, just made supper and all that fun stuff. After supper Lyann came back over and we just chilled for hours. It was fun, I miss that shit so much its unbelievable. I miss having girlfriends. Again, the reason I don't have as many is because I just shut everyone out. I also inflated Dev's pool and filled it with water, so when Lia gets home from work tommorow his pool will be swimable! Swim time makes Auntie Shannon happy because I love taking pictures! As long as my big pastey ass isn't in the pictures! Oscar is asleep on my lap, with his nose in my cleavage.....it's cute yet disturbing.....but mostly cute! Jay wanted to come and see me tongiht, but I told him I had plans. I hate saying no to him because I love spending time with him, and I never say no to him. I think he was a little put off by my answer. Whatever, Im aloud to have a life too right? It just sucks because the retarded part of me almost wishes I didnt get together with Lyann, so I could've spent some alone time with him. Either way I think he might come over on Sunday...I dont know. He comes over when he can, which is once a week. I cant feel bad for having plans. Again, another reason why I think boys should be exterminated...they make my head hurt.

I just looked at my poor body, Im covered in scratches. My hands are covered in scratches and little bite marks. I wish I could say they were from some kinky sex session, but sadly they're from my 5 week old teething kitten.

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 07:07:40 GMT

Snl is a repeat, and its "the best of Will Ferrel". He cracks my stupid ass up. Just thought I'd throw that in there.
Friday sucked ass, and not for any particular reason either. My anxiety was just at a high for no reason at all. I think the fact that I hadn't eaten all day made it worse. I was in the grocery store and all of a sudden I just felt like I was going to pass out, so I went and got this thinger of fresh fruit and gobbled it up. I didnt want to be driving home and then pass out at the wheel. For the rest of the night I was super dizzy. I need to make a doctors appointment and get my blood pressure and my sugar checked because I get dizzy a lot, and I get this whooshing noise in my ear when Im dizzy. Can't be a good thing. Today I did absolutley nothing. I went to the gas station and got gas for the lawnmower and then started mowing my huge assed lawn. I redid one of my little gardens because it was looking like quite a deathtrap. I also attempted to get some kind of colouring on the lower half of my body, but it didnt work. So Im still brownish on top with pasty white legs....its a sexy look Im sure. The one highlight of my day was that me and my mom went out and got icecream. I used to go out for icecream allllll the time, but in my quest to lose weight Ive avoided it for over a year. Today I indulged...and it was orgasmic. Bye bye men, just give me icecream! AND on the topic of men, this evening I was at the store buying milk and I saw a guy I went to highschool with. His name is Trevor and he was always one of the cool guys, one of the guys everyone wanted to be friends with. I wasnt friends withhim, but we were friendly towards each other. Anyway, usually when I see people from my past I get so depressed because my life is so not what I thought it would be at this age. But I wasnt depressed...he was buying munchies with his girlfriend. They were both super high and reeking of booze, he obviously hasnt changed since highschool. The best part is, hes like 27 and his gf is a girl i used to babysit. Life is good sometimes. Am I a bitch for loving the fact that hes a bigger loser than I am!?!?!

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 04:35:52 GMT

Highly uneventful day. I feel kinda shitty now because I know I wasted a perfectly good day doing absolutley nothing. On a brighter note I got my g.s.t cheque today. $56.00 from the government always brightens my day. I think I'll put that money towards buying a new pair of jeans. Or not, I don't know. $56.00 dollars isnt as much money as it was when I was a kid. I remeber getting five dollars when I was a kid and just about having a heart attack at the thought of all the treats I could buy. Now I get five dollars and all I think is, shit if I had 3.50 more I could buy a pack of smokes. Anyway, like I said before its money for Shannon from the government, and Ill glady spend as much of their money as they're willing to give me. My brother got more than me, damn him for having a job. I also got to see Jay tonight. I had no idea he was coming over, he just called and told me he was going to be at my house in 15 minutes. We didnt really do much, and he ended up passing out after he ate the sandwhich I made him. Either way it was nice to spend time with him. He got to meet Oscar, and played with him a lot. I spent the whole time nagging him because I get so nervous when people start playing rough with him. Right now hes chillin in my lap underneath a cover I have on me. I love kitties. Click the oscar link incase you haven't, hes stoooper cute.

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 03:42:08 GMT

I am having a difficult time with someone in my life right now. He was my boyfriend for a year and a friend for 7 years prior to that. Our breakup wasn't a nice one, but we both moved on and tried to salvage what we could of a friendship. I'm not the kind of person who can turn my back on someone, or just let a friendship dwindle down to nothing after so many years were invested in it. A lot has gone on between us in the 9 years we've known each other. A lot of mean things were said, a lot of tears were shed on my part. But still I keep the friendship going because I have so much trouble just letting go of things. Friendships being one of them, no matter how rocky they have been. Anyway, he still cares about me and would really like to try the whole relationship thing again. I guess Im kind of skeptical, Im of the belief that if it didnt work before it wont work this time. Albeit its very flattering to know that he still cares about me, and thinks Im all the things I think Im not (beautiful, smart, blah blah). Right now my mind and my heart are very preoccupied with Jay and our current situation. Like Ive said to people so many times, I dont know if this will go anywhere but a part of me really really wants it to. I can't just turn off the way I feel about someone, and right now I feel too much to even consider anything else. I care about my ex, if I didn't I wouldnt still be talking to him after all the shit that has went down between us, but I just can't imagine things working this time. We are different people now than we were 3 or 4 years ago. I am totally willing to hang out, and try to be closer friends as a beginning to things, but Im not willing to commit myself to anything or the possibility of anything. I just feel kind of trapped, because things have always pretty much been all or nothing with him. Black or white, no gray. My life is full of so many different shades of gray. I also think a big reason why Im so confused about my current situation with Jay is because the last time I saw my ex he told me that Jay is sleeping with other girls and playing me for some kind of whore basically. I dont believe it, I cant beleive it. Part of me doubts myself now, and I dont know whether its me doubting it because I truly believe he is, or because my ex manipulated me into doubting myself. He knows how my mind works, he knows how easy it is to get into my head. He knows how to make me doubt myself, because he knows how little confidence I have in myself. I keep just telling myself that if Jay is dishonest with me and is sleeping around, then I dont need him in my life anyway. Lies are vicious, and its almost impossible to keep one going forever. If something were going on, I would find out. I have a wonderful talent for catching people in their lies. If ever I found out he was lying to me, then Id be better off without him because although I dont truly think Im that special I do know that I deserve a lot better than that.

Wow Im a rambler tonight. If I wasnt too lazy Id reread what I wrote and make sure it makes sence....but like I said, Im too lazy.

aww look my first little whine session.

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 07:52:40 GMT

I'm so frustrated when it comes to men. They say they want something a certain way, but the way they act contradicts everything that they said they wanted in the first place. I thought I was really cool with being in a relationship with technically no strings attached, but I don't think I can be anymore. This has been going on for 8 months now, and there is still no talk of any kind of commitment. Right now the ways thing stand we both are "seeing each other" but not sleeping with anyone else. If we do, we both agreed we'd tell each other about it out of respect for each other. Isnt that technically some kind of commitment? I find myself becoming jealous now. He hangs around with one girl in particular who makes me feel really threatened and insecure, but he tells me Im silly for feeling that way. Am I? She is everything I am not. She likes to go out and party, drink, have a good time. Shes spontaneous and will go out and do just about anything on a whim. I dont drink, I dont party, Im an avid planner, and I hate being in huge crowds due to my wonderful anxiety issues. I can't see why he would want to be with me in the first place. We are two very different people. It just hurts because I know I care about him a whole lot more than he probably cares for me. I also realise that I am probably setting myself up for huge heartache, but Im a glutton for punishment and I sit here and wait it out. My "you dont know what will happen if you dont wait a little longer, maybe he does care more than you think" mentality still intact. I attach myself too quickly. Im entirely too codependant. I focus all my energy on making sure everyone around me is happy, and dont spend enough time trying to figure out if I am happy. I whine about this now, but I know that as long as he doesnt end things Ill still be sitting here in another month. I'll still be doubting myself.

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 06:56:15 GMT

Blah